


Again (and again, and again)- Post Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts Virgil Angst

by DeputyDeputyChiefofStaff



Series: Again (and again, and again) Series [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Crying Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, Roman done messed up guys, Swearing, Trigger Warning for Panic Attacks, and i show my love via hurting him, based in canon, but i couldnt, but roman and virgil are dating so not totally canon, c'mon theyre just doing their jobs..., i kept trying to find a story like this, i love virgil, im sorry virgil, its okay tho we love him, kind of, like PANIC attacks, like virgil, logan does feelings(kind of), my first sanders sides fic, neither is deciet/ janus, post dwit angst, remus is not a villain guys, so I wrote it, sorry for all the tags, swearing btw, this is an angsty mess, we love the dark sides here, we love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26634094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeputyDeputyChiefofStaff/pseuds/DeputyDeputyChiefofStaff
Summary: Virgil doesn't want to be a villain. But he's Dark. And now Thomas knows. And Virgil just knows that he's going to be kicked out. But he doesn't want to leave. And it hurts.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Series: Again (and again, and again) Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1938076
Comments: 10
Kudos: 105





	Again (and again, and again)- Post Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts Virgil Angst

**Author's Note:**

> HEY TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACKS  
> That being said, I hope you all enjoy this. It's my first work in this fandom, so I would love to get some feedback. I hope this turned out okay!

“Virgil!” Roman exclaimed as Virgil appeared into the mind palace. 

Virgil offered Roman (who was currently being restrained by Patton, while keeping an ice pack pressed against the large bump on his head) a strained smile, dull as rust against Roman’s blinding one. 

“How’d it go?” Roman asked, ever enthusiastically. Virgil sighed. 

“Better than it did for you,” he muttered. What a disgusting lie. “Hey, I’m gonna go to my room now.” Roman’s face fell. 

_ Oh god,  _ Virgil thought.  _ He knows _ .

“Don’t you want to… chat?” Virgil could just  _ feel  _ his heart beating out of control.  _ He knows.  _ Virgil shook his head vehemently. 

“Work-” he managed to choke out before running upstairs, Roman’s hurt frown burned into his brain. 

As soon as he got to his room, Virgil collapsed onto his bed, reaching over to turn on the purple lights Roman had insisted on. He ran his hand along his Black Parade throw blanket, smiling at the memory of Roman taking him to a Hot Topic he had conjured to get it. Virgil closed his eyes, longing to relive those memories, knowing he would never make more. Knowing that Thomas was going to send him back. He was Dark. And Dark doesn’t belong with Light. 

Over the next few days Virgil managed to keep his distance. Managed to avoid Roman.  _ (He knows he knows he knows heknowsheknowsheknowsHEKNOWS.)  _ Well, he  _ was  _ doing a pretty good job of avoiding him, until he heard Roman crying. And  _ damn  _ his protective instincts, because he couldn’t leave his boyfriend alone if he was crying. So he entered Roman’s room  _ (idiotidiotidiotIDIOT)  _

“Roman?” Roman was laying on his bed, staring at his ceiling that had been enchanted to look like the night sky, tears running down his face. 

“He’s not a villain, you know. Remus.” 

Virgil came and laid down next to Roman. 

“He- I know I act like he is. But he’s really not.” 

Virgil nodded. 

“But Thomas will never see it that way. Remus hurts him. Makes Thomas feel guilty. He doesn't mean to; he’s just being himself. Just doing his job. But he will always be the villain. And I’m so scared-” Roman’s voice broke- “I’m terrified that he’s going to think that because I’m Remus’s brother, I’m a villain too.” 

He turned to look at Virgil now. Virgil who was panicking and attempting to hide it. Apparently, he wasn’t doing a very good job of that. 

“Virgil?” Roman asked, concern laced in his voice.

“Y-” he cleared his throat- “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Virgil nodded. “I mean it Virgil. You- ever since the video, you’ve been acting- you haven’t seemed okay, y’know? Really, really, not okay.”

And god dammit he sounded so sad, so worried, it almost broke Virgil. 

“I’m okay.” He bit his lip, desperately trying to hold the tears back. 

“No. You’re not.” And Virgil broke. 

_ ImtheVILLAIN VILLAIN VILLAIN DAMN IT IM THE VILLAIN! _

Virgil let out a sob and sank to the floor at the foot of the bed. 

_ YOU HEARD HIM YOU KNOW YOU HEARD HIM YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID YOU’RE THE VILLAIN _

Virgil couldn’t breathe. 

_ I HURT HIM I HURT HIM I HURT HIM I HURT HIM _ **_IHURTHIM_ **

Dammit he couldn't breathe!

_ I WILL ALWAYSALWAYSALWAYSALWAYSALWAYS BE THE VILLAIN _

“Virgil? Virgil!”

_ I’M A DARK SIDE I’M A DARK SIDE I WILL ALWAYS BE A DARK SIDE _

Virgil was screaming, but it felt like he was worlds away. 

_ HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME  _ **_HELPMEHELPMEHELPME_ **

Virgil was screaming, and there were running footsteps, and Patton and Logan were there too and Roman was saying something and- “ **HELP!** ” Virgil shrieked, and he couldn’t breathe, and his voice was distortion and sobs and screams and- “ **HELP ME** ” -he was sobbing and he needed help and he couldn’t breathe and he needed help and he was screaming and he was shaking and  _ he needed help _ . And Roman dragged him into his lap, and he was rubbing his shoulder and Logan was holding his hands and Patton was crying and Logan was saying something and then Roman was crying too and Virgil was so scared and he couldn’t hear them why couldn’t he hear them? And then he realized he was screaming and that’s why he couldn’t hear. And he tried to breathe and he couldn’t and he tried to breathe and he couldn’t and he tried to breathe and he managed to drag in a short, painful breath, and he wasn’t screaming and he could hear. 

“Virgil, I need you to breathe.” And it was Logan and he was squeezing his hands and he looked so sad and Logan didn’t  _ do  _ feelings why did he look so sad? Virgil didn’t want him to be sad. He didn’t want to make him sad. He didn’t want to be a villain. So he breathed. And breathed. And breathed. 

“Virgil?” and this time it was Roman. “Virgil, what happened?”

“I’m the villain,” Virgil whispered, and his voice was so hoarse, and it hurt so much. Everything hurt. 

“What?” And Roman sounded so broken and Virgil broke again and again and  _ again _ , and he was sobbing again. 

“I’m the villain,” he choked out through the tears. “I don’t want to hurt you, any of you, but I am. I’m hurting Thomas. And he knows. He knows what I used to be. And I will always-”  _ (always always always) _ \- “ _ always  _ be the villain.” 

“But you’re just doing your job!” and this time it was Patton and he was pleading with him and Virgil had hurt him too. 

“So is Remus! So is Deceit! But you  _ hate  _ them. And they hate me because I  _ left _ . But now I have to go back to them because Thomas knows now and he knows that I’m Dark and I hurt him and that makes me a villain.” He took a shaky breath, knowing that he didn’t  _ deserve  _ what he was about to ask for. “But I don’t want to go back!” And he was sobbing ( _ again and again and again _ ) and Roman was holding him tighter. 

“You’re not going back,” he said, in that sad, broken voice. “I won’t let you.” 

“Nor will I,” Logan said seriously, but Virgil could hear the pain underneath it. 

“Me neither kiddo,” said Patton, and he wasn't even  _ trying  _ to hide the tears in his voice. 

“But- but you said that Thomas would always see Remus as the villain because he hurt him. And I hurt him too.” And Virgil wasn’t trying to make Roman feel bad, but he obviously had, because Roman started shaking, and choked out a horribly, horribly painful “Oh my god,” before pulling Virgil into the tightest hug he had ever received, and that was saying something, given the fact that he lived with Patton. 

“I’m so sorry darling. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that about  _ you _ . We love you so much. We all do- including Thomas. We will never,  _ never _ , let you go.”

“I love you,” Virgil whispered, and then he was crying again. And it was okay. Because they were there for him. Again ( _ and again, and again. _ )

  
  
  
  


Always and always and always. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I hope you liked this!! I would love to hear some *constructive* criticism. Kudos and comments are really appreciated! 
> 
> Also! If you enjoyed this, let me know if you'd like me to write a sequel of sorts where Roman's brother issues have to get worked out, or one where Virgil has to confront Thomas. Or both. I am open to suggestions!


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